𝐑𝐊𝟖𝟎𝟎「Connor」 #313 248 317 - 5# (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
toyboy) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
systolicarray2020-10-14 05:23 pm
toyboy) wrote in systolicarray2020-10-14 05:23 pm
://i had a feeling i could be someone
[ connor is sitting on the couch when hank comes home from work, his feet flat on the floor, his hands folded in his lap. his eyes are closed, his LED flickering every so often, but his eyes flutter open at the almost inaudible creak of the floorboards as hank steps inside. the sound of rain, fuzzy white noise, fills up all the space in the room. and then hank closes the door and the sound is emptied out in exchange for silence.
in that silence, connor greets hank with a welcome home and a bright smile, asks him about his day, and they talk for a little about work, talk a little about what connor did on his day off.
it isn't until hank has settled in on the couch that connor finally says what he had been waiting to say since he sat down on the couch, a couple of hours ago. ]
Hank... There was something I... Well, I, I don't know if it's a question, exactly.
[ head down, he stares at his hands. ]
But, whenever I turn my skin off, or suggest anything that might involve that... sort of thing, you— you always tell me to turn it back on, or...
I was just wondering. If there's a reason why.
in that silence, connor greets hank with a welcome home and a bright smile, asks him about his day, and they talk for a little about work, talk a little about what connor did on his day off.
it isn't until hank has settled in on the couch that connor finally says what he had been waiting to say since he sat down on the couch, a couple of hours ago. ]
Hank... There was something I... Well, I, I don't know if it's a question, exactly.
[ head down, he stares at his hands. ]
But, whenever I turn my skin off, or suggest anything that might involve that... sort of thing, you— you always tell me to turn it back on, or...
I was just wondering. If there's a reason why.
no subject
[ connor sighs, his brow creasing, his LED flickering. it's blue, though. so at least that's something. ]
I just wanted to tell you, it's all right if you're uncomfortable seeing me without my skin active. I have complicated feelings about it too.
no subject
Can you ... talk about those feelings?
no subject
[ connor's eyes slide away for a moment, in the direction of the window. as it's night, there's nothing to see outside. in the distance he can hear the sound of water, the boats moving against the dock. ]
Sometimes I feel like I'm... not a very good android. I've wronged my own people. Even if I thought I was doing the right thing, I still... Well, I did it. On some level I'm aware I'm not fully responsible for my actions then, but I still did it.
But, obviously I can't be human, either. I am what I am. So when I see myself that way, or someone else has to see me that way... Sometimes I feel inadequate. Like I'm not good enough either way.
[ connor sighs, his shoulders sagging like they're being weighed down by something. ]
And I'm... particular about my appearance. I think that's a part of it, too. Because you're right, I don't look like me when my skin is turned off. I look like any other android. And I don't want to look like just any other android. It's a matter of... individuality, I guess.
[ he pauses again, his LED blinking as he thinks. he returns his eyes to hank's face and offers a small, wry smile. ]
Do you know, when I realized that there was more than one Connor, I confronted my handler about it? I really should have known, but it never occurred to me... I was so upset. There are androids out there who have hundreds of doppelgangers. Same model, same appearance... And they don't have a problem with it. But I couldn't take it.
Sometimes... Sometimes I wish I were human.